I know I haven't written in a while and it's probably bad form to start writing again with emotional drivel as I'm about to do. However, you know what? I don't care. I need to write so I don't spend another night curled up in my bed in tears, crying myself to sleep.
This is going to be a post about London. Yes, the ex who I just cannot seem to shake out of my system. I guess the best place to start would be at the beginning. Okay, so maybe not RIGHT at the beginning, but how about the beginning of 2012....
London had been in a relationship at the beginning of this year. We would talk and we had said we'd work at having a friendship with one another. The thing with London is that he's really easy to talk to about anything. We've known each other for more than five years now and in all that time, we've always spoken freely to each other.
So, he was in a relationship and I just made sure I kept some distance between us because I know how it is with him and I. We're drawn to each other or at least, I'M drawn to HIM. However, fast forward to February when we were talking about my upcoming move to the UK (he lives in the UK as well), and all of a sudden, we're starting to discuss trying again, being together and all that entails.
He even told me he loved me one day as we were Skyping.
That came completely out of the blue. We had been talking about the last minute things I had to accomplish before actually leaving the country. He then asked me if I was happy. I answered in the affirmative and sat there smiling and thinking about my upcoming move. Then I had looked back at him and asked if he was alright, to which he responded, "I love you, Lady M". Straight, no chaser. Being the ever polite individual, I said thank you (okay, I didn't really know what else to say as that took me by surprise and he was still seeing the other girl).
That was literally the last thing I ever expected to hear from him at that time. Don't get me wrong, I was happy he had said it as I love him and want to be with him (more about that toward the end of the post) but I just wasn't expecting it. It also did make me wonder if he ever spoke to any other girls the way he speaks to me, while him and I were dating. I actually did ask him that very question; he said no and I believed him because he has never given me a reason to believe that he lies to me.
Okay, so there we were with that hanging between us and a few weeks later he tells me that he broke up with the girl he was seeing. He immediately started talking about wanting him and I to try again. I was more than a little apprehensive as I didn't want to be a rebound girl. However, he made it seem as if being with me was what he really wanted. So much so, that I started to believe it as well until he went to collect his things from his ex's place and then, BAM! No longer does he want to be with me (at least not right now...) because he's confused and needs to get his head straight. I asked about the sudden change (this change took place in the span of 48 hours, by the way) and he told me that seeing the kids (the ex's kids, not his) made him realize that he isn't ready for anything serious.
Fine. I was upset because how are you going to just throw around 'I love you' as though it's not a big thing. I was pissed the hell off when he did that. I was also quite sad as I spent a good two days crying on the phone to one of my cousins. We had then stopped talking for a few weeks because I was trying to work on
Things were going well with being friends between him and I. I then moved to the UK and was worried that things would get weird but so far, so good. That is, until we saw each other a month after I moved here. Just seeing him walk up to me at the train station brought everything crashing back down on me. I remember standing there, as he was hugging me, thinking to myself, "Fucking hell. What the fuck did I get myself into with agreeing to see him"? I then thought, it wouldn't be so bad because maybe it's just me how feels the connection but I was wrong. That was proven when he kissed me as we were sitting at a pub while waiting for his train to head out of town. That kiss held so much in it and I completely melted and forgot about any pain that may have been present in the past. It's in the past after all, right?
Wrong.
After he left, we began texting again and he brought things back to him and I dating again. This time as he wasn't dating anybody else, I allowed myself to entertain the idea. He would tell me how much he loved me and how he's only ever felt this way about me (I'm a girl - it's lovely to hear that no matter how cliche it is). He would talk about a future with me and I'd be able to envision it. However, he'd then change his mind for one reason of another and I'd be left picking up the mess that
This is the pattern that had prevailed for another three times. We'd talk, he'd bring up dating so we'd talk about it some more. He'd then make plans saying how he promises he won't let me down and will come up to Londontown to see me, only to have him turn around and let me down a few days beforehand.
[Sidebar: The last time this happened, he had begged me for another chance saying how much I meant to him and how much he loves me. How he wants to be with me. Telling me that I'm his soul mate and could I find it in me to give him just one more chance. When I agreed to give him another chance, he was so elated that I thought, "he can't possibly be lying and let me down this time". Surprise, surprise. I was wrong.]
This was the case up until last weekend when he had told me he was coming into town and that he'd like to see me. I didn't want to commit to say yes in case he let me down again and I would have been pissed off. Up until he was on the train on Friday, I was waiting for the text to come through saying that X, Y, or Z had come up and he wasn't coming to Londontown any longer. Guess what? He actually showed up this time around.
Was I excited to see him? You better believe I was. I enjoyed every minute we spent together and being able to just sit and talk or walk aimlessly and laugh. I was also scared shitless because it has been four months since we saw each other and I know what my feelings are towards him. What if he decided he didn't want me anymore or even want to spend any time with me? It would have crushed me. The funny thing is, he's already told me that he doesn't want a serious relationship right now because he needs to "get his head straight". However, does that stop me from loving him? From making the stupidest decision ever? No, it does not.
We slept together on Saturday. At the time, I kept telling myself that I would be able to deal with the emotional fallout and this was all about having fun. I have never been more wrong in my life.
Not only has the emotional fallout completely buried me, but I also spent the last couple nights crying myself to sleep. I wish it wasn't so but it is. I even went as far as looking at his ex's facebook page (London doesn't have a fb account). That was a massive no-no as I would soon come to realize. Not only did she change her big photo to one of London with her kids but her profile photo is also a photo of him & her when they were dating. I'm now almost sure that she isn't actually over him like she's told him.
When I saw those photos, something inside of me broke. All I could think of from that point on is how she isn't over him, how he still goes there to see the boys & spends the weekend at their house, and worst of all, he's probably not over her either. That last thought is what has had me in tears these last couple nights. If he isn't over her, does that mean he just used me to get laid? Was he lying to me the whole time about wanting to try again in regards to a relationship with me? Was I being a stupid, silly, little girl and believing in the words from a wolf in sheep's clothing?
I don't know.
What I do know though, is that sleeping with London was a huge mistake because I am not capable of separating my feelings for him from the act of sex. If it were anybody else, I'd have no problem separating my feelings and just getting laid. With London, it isn't so. I want everything when it comes to him. I want to the intimacy AND the relationship. I want to be his one and only. I want him to want me. *sigh* The dreams of a hopelessly, hopeless twenty-something stuck-on-you, emotional girl. He thinks that because I said we can't sleep together again if we're going to just be friends, that I didn't enjoy myself on Saturday. The problem is that I enjoyed myself too much.
I am definitely a glutton for punishment as that is the only reason I can think of to explain why I'm still in love with London. My brain says one thing while my heart says another. Why can they both not work together in harmony? I know I need to try to get over him but how? I've tried and failed so many times before that it's getting very discouraging. I just don't know what else to do at this point. I'm tired of getting hurt and know that this cannot continue if I am to maintain my sanity.
I don't want to be sat here waiting for him as I know he's not waiting for me. I do not want to be waiting around for anybody as I'm better and worth more than that. I deserve to have somebody who loves me as much as I love them and knows that they want me instead of going back and forth. As I'm saying all of this, I'm thinking about London and I know that he probably isn't the best for me but I can't help how I feel. I love him and at this moment in time, I want to be with him.
I'm hoping that the saying "time heals all wounds" is true but more than anything, I hope time works quickly and helps me sort through everything I'm feeling at the moment. I don't even know how London feels about me at all in terms of wanting to try again or if he even loves me the way I love him. I know he cares for me but that's not loving somebody at all, is it?
Oi.
There's nothing else to really say at this moment in time about the situation. I've decided to leave you with a song that I rediscovered last night. It's called Gonna Get Over You by Sara Bareilles.
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