So, it's been a while since I last wrote. I'll update via headings to keep my thoughts in check and make it a bit easier for myself. Let us begin...
LIFE...?
This photo rings true for me in every way. I have been feeling like even though I moved to the UK, my life hasn't changed at all that much except that I'm now in a different country. However, when I look back at where I was this time last year, a ton has changed.
Funny how that happens, eh?
My life in London has been filled with up's and down's but definitely more up's lately as I've finally settled in fully and have hit a groove. My social life is severely lacking though as I'm around children for the majority of my days and I haven't made many friends since moving here. It's tough when everybody I talk to on a daily basis are parents, little children and teachers. None of the teachers I'm around are close to my age and if they are, they're quite stuck up and we don't mesh well. I'm then left back at square one.
I have since joined up a few meet-up groups in a bid to meet more people around my age and hopefully have a social circle again. However, in order for that to work, I actually need to attend some of the get togethers! That has proven difficult as most of them are during the week and I work weekdays. I plan on attending the next weekend one that comes up though. I even found a Canadian ex-pat group! I'm excited about that and look forward to meeting new people.
It's times like these that I miss my best friends back home. They were my social life and my life, period. I love them and miss them everyday. We do speak on Skype or Facebook but it isn't the same as being able to actually see them in person. To be fair, I do have a friend over here and it's good because I get to see her but not very often as she's usually busy or with her boyfriend.
C'est la vie.
I miss my family more than I thought possible. I speak to my grandma and mom nearly every day on the phone. I also speak to my siblings via bbm but it just isn't the same at all. I miss being able to lay on the couch with my grandma as she strokes my hair and we talk about life. I worry about my grandma a lot more than I worry about anybody else because her eyes are still bothering her. She had surgery on both of them last year and she's since been to the doctors four times because of problems since I left in April. She's a tough little lady though and when I tell her I worry about her, she yells at me to not worry myself and live my life. She then asks if I've found a "friend" yet which in her terms means a boyfriend. Oh, grandma...
In other news, I'm still working as an au pair and volunteering at the school as a nursery teacher (preschool). That keeps me quite occupied. I am looking forward to actually being a full-time paid teacher next year. I cannot wait. I'm finishing up school at the moment to obtain my nursery nurse diploma / teaching assistant diploma which is the equivalent of an ECE diploma back home (what I had planned on going to school for in the first place). It's worked out wonderfully so far and I'm happy about that but I have my fingers crossed that next year, when it comes time to looking for full-time employment that I'll be able to land something before going home for a few weeks.
DATING...?
Well, when it comes to dating, I've had zero luck there. Surprise, surprise.
It's my fault really though as I have been dating half-heartedly and also accepting less than I deserve from the men I've been meeting. To be honest, 99% of the time that I say yes to a guy that asks me out is because I'd feel bad if I say no. It's men that I know are not my type; I'm not attracted to them physically or personality wise; they're obnoxious or they think I'm easy and try to get into my pants the first time we meet.
Ummm, no thanks.
I took a break from dating for about 2 months and have just recently started dating again. The break was well needed as I was all over the place emotionally.
Yeah, that was a definite no go for me as I am not looking to be a fwb for anybody at this point in my life but according to him, it's more than a fwb. I told him I didn't see how it could be more than a fwb type of deal if we're not dating and merely sleeping together when we see each other and then the fight ensued.
What it boiled down to was him basically telling me that I was a selfish person and I don't really care for him at all. That he never told me to wait for him at any time (which he did, FYI) and that he isn't going to be dating at all again. How very convenient that this decision was made after we slept together. Needless to say, I was hurt. I spent the next two days crying and then after speaking to my best friends CB & MD, I realized that I put myself in that situation. Again. Even though he may have said what he did, I chose to believe what he was saying and I chose to go ahead and sleep with him. It's me that has chosen to allow him to get under my skin. Again. So, as much as I'd like to blame London, I'm just as much to blame as he is. Sure, he probably shouldn't have said all of that to me about wanting to try again, and loving me if he didn't mean the words but I chose to believe him. He didn't force me to believe.
After that realization and accepting the fact that he and I will probably never date again, a miraculous thing took place: I started to feel better. It was as if a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. Instead of lying to myself about what was really happening, I accepted the fact that our love story has come to its end and won't be revisited at all.
I'd be lying if I said that it doesn't hurt but with every passing day, it hurts less. I know that he'll always have a place in my heart but I'm hoping that in time we can have an actual friendship again.
Moving on from London, let's visit AG. If you'll recall, AG was my most recent ex from last year. We ended because he cheated on me and then lied to me about it. He got really nasty towards me and even swore at me once while we were fighting about the fact that I knew he was lying. He cheated and got the girl pregnant. That's just about as bad as you can get when it comes to cheating but to have the nerve to lie to my face about it and belittle me, that was a definite no-no.
We stopped talking after everything hit the fan. I said some really mean things to him as well in our last conversation and I took it upon myself to apologize for being overly rude with getting my point across. I didn't expect to hear from him but guess what? He wrote back. Apologized to me and then went on to tell me how much he still loves me, wants me but not sure what to do about it. Also went on asking what I wanted to do now that everything is out in the open. I merely wrote back asking why he would lie in the first place when I already knew I was right and treat me like an idiot while belittling me. He wrote back saying that he didn't think I'd want him if he admitted to everything and that I was really untrusting so he assumed I wouldn't want to work through it at all.
Okay, that's a fair assessment. However, I told him that he should have gave me a little more credit than that because I would have been willing to work through it if he had just been honest. I also let him know that the reason I was "so untrusting" was because i knew he was lying to me and being lied to doesn't inspire trust.
It's just all really ridiculous to say the least. I have since agreed that we could try to be friends but I don't trust him at all given everything that's happened. Especially since the one thing I asked of him was to be honest with me no matter what happened. We could work through everything if he was honest, if he lied then it was a no-go. We'll see how this all goes.
MISC...?
I'm still learning on loving myself more and more everyday. I must say that I am doing much better than last year. I've come to terms with my looks and who I am as a person. I have good days and bad days but the good have been outnumbering the bad. A very welcome feeling to say the least.
I'm getting on well with the family that I work for as an au pair. The mom and i get along really well and can hang out and chat about anything. It's nice because I've heard horror stories about some au pairs experiences. I'm glad that I was able to land a good family.
Overall, life in London has been good to me. A little stressful at times but I'm living a dream of mine - to live and work in London. I did it. I wanted it and went out and grabbed life by the horns and made it possible. It's an added bonus that I was able to work in school as well so that I'll be ready to go next year. It's amazing.
Okay, I think I've babbled enough for one day so I will end the post here.
Toodles! xx
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