To You, From Me

Dear London,

I've chosen to express myself in written form because it ensures that I get across everything I want to say. It also aides me in not jumbling all of my thoughts together in what could be a very incoherent mess. So, here goes -

I miss you. I miss us. I miss what we used to have and what we were building towards. I honestly thought there was another chance for us to start anew because we both wanted it and were willing to put in the effort. However, I cannot help but feel that I was the only one who really was serious and ready to put in the effort. That I was (and still am) the one willing to fight for us. Does that make me stupid? Maybe. Am I following my heart? Definitely. Should I be following my heart so blindly? Probably not.


You hurt me before but yet, here I am. Standing in front of you, wanting so much to call you mine but now entirely unsure where I stand with you. Actually, that's a lie. I know where I stand with you. I thought we were friends but I'm going with my gut feeling as saying that I've been demoted from even being your friend. I am now a lowly acquiantance. It hurts to feel as though I'm not even much of a friend to you anymore but this is how you want it so this is how it will be.

I want to say that I understand why you were upset in the beginning. I get it now that I'm not angry or defensive. Now that you've stopped attacking me, I can see that the root of the issue was that you felt as though you weren't special to me. At least not the way I imagine that you felt I was special to you. I did reassure you that you are important to me but I'm not sure that actually got through to you because you were so upset. I'll say it again, you were important to me. I always wanted to share good or bad news with you first. Even above my best friends who I've known for 12+ years and who are more like family. For some reason, I'd always want to tell you first.

You were always around and available to me whenever I may have needed you, which is why this huge turn of events is hurting me so much. I depended on you and that is my fault. You never asked me to depend on you, you never asked me to come to you first with any news I may have had. It's just how it was because I wanted it that way and now I'm paying the price.

I have apologized for hurting you and reiterated that I never meant to hurt you in any way. When you said that you thouht I was trying to hurt you purposely, that cut me deeply. Deeper than I even let on. It was as if you don't know me at all and all these years have meant nothing. Yes, it is true that I kept the fact that I have this blog secret from you even though we tell each other everything. However, I explained to you why I kept it from you in the first place. I am very open and unedited on here and it's a space where I can come to write about anything on my mind - which sometimes involves you- when I cannot or do not want to speak to anyone. Most of all you.

What would it look like with me coming to you crying over the fact that I'm still in love with you when I feel as though you could care less about me? Especially when it was so easy for you to hurt me and choose the others over me? And okay, I get that things got messy when you went to collect your things but did you have to give up so easily on you and I? Just earlier that week you were telling me you loved me, making plans for a future with me (which, if you remember, I told you not to do unless you were absolutely sure this is what you wanted and you assured me it was), making me believe that you actually wanted us to start over. Another chance. I believed you'd fight for it this time and not give up on us like last time, however, you didn't fight. You gave up. Again. Told me it was easier to hurt me than the alternate - hurting them. All I heard was that it was easier to hurt me than to hurt her because you still love her.

The last time we even spoke about the situation, it was a complete mess because you guys hadn't had a proper conversation about what was going on at all and why you're still there most weekends. Silly me though, still held out hope that you'd come back to me. Pretty crazy, huh?

To make things worse, you're still upset about the fact that I have a blog that you didn't know about and also because there's someone else who I talk to openly. The fact that you got upset about me talking to somebody else the way we talk, upset me. I could not and still do not fully understand why it upset you so much. I get that I hadn't mentioned him before but that was because he never came up into conversation until that day. The day I let it slip that I have a blog.

Yes, it's true that you didn't know about him beforehand but I explained to you that we are just friends. I also explained that I talk to other people (mainly my best friends) the same way I speak to you and that didn't seem to bother you. He bothered you. I'm going to go ahead and guess it bothers you more because he's another male that I speak to openly when I'm the only person you really talk to openly. Well, used to talk to openly. I never asked to be the only one you spoke to about everything. It's nice that we were able to tell each other anything and everything but now it's unfair that I'm being punished because you were not the only person I speak with.

I had wanted to talk to out but you said that we were okay and to drop it, so I did. Then today, it's brought back up and you tell me that you've felt the need to not tell me things anymore because of everything. That everything being that I have a blog I didn't mention to you and that I speak to somebody else. You feel let down and I can understand that if it were about the blog. Fine, that's on me for not telling you but you've never once stopped to think about how I feel in all this. How I've lost the one person I want to talk to about everything that's been going on in my life in the past few weeks. How I've cried over the fact that we went from talking multiple times a day to you now barely making time for me and that's just through email. We don't speak anymore on Skype.

I feel like I've lost a part of me and essentially I have. You and I were close. Were. I don't know if we can ever get that back again because one wrong thing said and you dismiss me. I cannot keep putting myself through this with you, over and over again. It eats away at me and breaks my heart everytime I think about how far we've fallen. I feel as though I don't matter to you at all anymore. The worst part? I still love you and that makes this whole thing hurt that much more. I wish I could be over you the way you're over me but I'm left picking up the pieces of my heart while you're being happy with your ex and her kids.

I cannot compete with them. I shouldn't have to compete with them. If you wanted me then all you had to do was say so and actually put in the effort to prove that you meant the words you were speaking. I used to believe in you, London. I thought I still could but it looks as if I was right all along. Had I taken the necessary steps to ensure that I didn't buy into the words and actions you were displaying, we probably wouldn't be where we are today. Barely speaking. If I had just listened to myself, I wouldn't be sitting here writing this letter to you, crying over you all while feeling like the biggest idiot in the world for believeing.

From here on out, we will be acquiantences, the way you want it. I will no longer try to fight it because I am not going to force you to be my friend. I am done punishing myself for having alternate friends that I speak with openly. I'm done punishing myself for having a blog where I can freely express myself and what I'm feeling or going through. I'm done punishing myself because of you.

If you do not want to be my friend, that's your choice. I'm done being the only one fighting to hold on. I have to be done because my heart cannot take anymore of this back and forth with you. You don't really want me because if you did, nothing would stand in your way and you would have fought for us. That's clear now so I will be working on coming to terms with our situation and learning to let you go. I know that a part of me will always love you but I am going to continue working on me, and being happier with every passing day.

I hope that you fnd whatever it is you're looking for and that in the end, you are happy.

Always,
Miss LadyM xx