Good day bloggers!
You're in for a real treat today - an actual post! LoL
I've been slacking at writing because I've been busy with school and work and just not being at home. I've made time to write today though and writing is what I shall do.
Today is my birthday (Woohoo!) and I turned 25. A quarter century. I'm 25 and I do not feel settled at all in my life. It's been this whole year that I've felt left behind and not where I should be by now. I don't mean where I should be by just anybody's standards, but by MY standards. I had wanted to be done school and working in my career by the time I hit 25. I wanted to have a bit more stability when it came to work and my life. As it stands now, I feel completely lost in this thing I call my life.
I'm still in school and really hoping that I get into the ECE diploma/degree program for next fall. I want to teach children from kindergarten to grade three - max. I love children and would love to be able to help shape their futures. However, as it stands, I feel that I've wasted so much of my time at university so far persuing a law degree because that is what my family wanted me to do. I used to like law well enough but did not plan on ever studying it or trying to make a career out of it at all. My family wanted me to go into law so that I'd make money and be able to support myself. Now believe me, I understand where they were coming from with their wanting me to practice law. They emigrated to Canada from the Caribbean and struggled to ensure that we wouldn't have to struggle the way they did with us. It's fair that they'd then want their kids to have good paying jobs so we'd be able to take care of ourselves. I also understand now that, I should have stood up for myself and told them that, no, I did not want to be a lawyer. I want to teach. Plain and simple. If only I had had the courage and strength to do just that when I was starting university. Things would have been very different and I would probably be where I want to be.
Now, when it comes to men, I've never had an easy, or great time with them in the relationship department. This year proved to be a whole hell of a lot more difficult for me. I was dating a guy in the military (we'll call him AG) but things fell apart as they inevitably do. Also, around the time things got really bad with AG and I, in walked one of my ex's (we'll call him London). London and I dated (and were engaged) before AG and I started dating. London and I started speaking after about an 18-month hiatus after breaking up. I even saw him when I went to the UK last October before AG and I had started dating. He, London, had mentioned not wanting a relationship so I said fine, that's alright because in all honesty, at that time I was SO sure that I didn't want one with him again either. Low and behold, AG and I started dating and in comes London saying he still loves me and wants another chance. I told him that I was seeing somebody else and if he wanted to be friends, we could. He agreed and that was that.
However, that wasn't the end of it and as our friendship (if you can call it that) progressed, I realized I still had feelings for him. It definitely sucked balls but I ignored them for a time and thought everything would just work itself out. Then problems started happening between AG and I and I found myself speaking to London about everything and asking his advice. I didn't voluntarily start talking to him mind you, he asked me one day why I was upset and after me saying 'nothing' for the 5th time, he got upset that I felt I couldn't talk to him even if it was about the guy I was seeing. So we talked and I was reminded how easy it is to talk to him. My feelings were now making themself known and it wasn't good because I was still in a relationship.
AG knew that I was talking to London and he also knows that London and I used to be together. Before I started talking to London, and prior to AG and I dating, I made sure to ask AG if he was comfortable with me being friends with an ex and if he wasn't I wouldn't forge a friendship with London any further because I wanted to be with AG. He gave me the go-ahead so London and I started working on a friendship. Now, I don't know what happened with AG and I but I do know that he stopped communicating with me. We were in a LDR and communication is key since we cannot be together physically whenever we want. He waited five years to date me, we made it through his tour in Iraq, we made it through him enlisting and doing all the work necessary to become an army medic. We start dating and after he gets home from his tour and I came back from visiting him, things changed.
At first, I didn't think much of it because I thought maybe it was all in my head but it wasn't. I'd call him, leave a message and he wouldn't call me back. I'd call and wouldn't be able to get a hold of him at all. I'd text him and he wouldn't reply until I got upset 4 days later. That's not the guy I fell for and it sure as hell isn't how a relationship is supposed to work. I spoke to him about it all the time and each time he'd promise to do better and try but that would last about two to three weeks before reverting to the exact same shitty behaviour. Needless to say, things ended because I ended them.
As it stands right now, AG and I are still talking because he asked for another chance. I'm really trying but he's starting the same stuff again and I do not want another year to begin with me being treated like shit by somebody who says he loves me and that I mean so much to him. I personally do not think that if you love somebody, that you will let four days pass without a word to them especially if you're in a LDR. Maybe I'm expecting too much to want to hear from him every day, at the very least through a text. Am I expecting too much??
With London and I, things got completely messy and now we're not talking. I told him I needed space because I need to be over him before I can even think about being a friend to him. I need to be able to handle the fact that he's in a relationship and will probably end up being with her for a very long time and possibly starting a family with her as well. Regardless of what he says about still being in love with me and wanting to be with me, I am not going to wait around. He shouldn't even be telling me those things because he has a girlfriend right now. He did lead me on but it's not all his fault because I let myself be led when I knew better. So I accept full blame for my part in everything but I just need space.
So where does all of that leave me at the moment? Trying my best to get over London and still being confused about AG.
I've never had much luck when it comes to men and relationships. My hope for myself with the new year approaching is that I do not fall back into any bad patterns and I no longer make excuses for men. If they say they want to be in my life, they need to prove that they mean it. I no longer am just accepting your word. No. I need the actions. You need to be able to show me that, yes, you do care for me and want me in your life.
Life is an ever changing thing. There are highs and there are lows. Right now, I'm in a lower portion of mine but I am willing to do what it takes to bring myself back out of the hole I'm in. I just need to remember that even though it sometimes feels as if I'm the only person in the world struggling with things going on, I'm not. Everybody stuggles from time-to-time and it is okay to ask for help if I need it as well.
As the new year approaches -as well as me just turning 25- it has me thinking: what is needed on my part to make next year count? How can I ensure that I get myself on the right track to doing what I want to do with my future? Will I ever find a partner who will respect me, love me, treat me right and who I can give all of myself to? What steps do I need to take in order to not repeat the same destructive patterns that surround romantic relationships? All of these questions but still no answers.
Here's hoping that 2012 will bring with it a bit more clarity and stability into my life.
As always, I will continue the search for my happily ever after.
Toodles! xx
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